


Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time

by insertusername



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alcoholism, Blackmail, Car Chase, Champagne, Cocaine, Kidnapping, Kissing, M/M, and most things in between, gasoline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-08-15 19:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8069227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insertusername/pseuds/insertusername
Summary: New Years Eve and Dipper is making a killing as an Uber Driver. Mabel is out with friends at a club and it's the last fare of the night before Dipper goes to pick her up.A very drunk man named Bill begs Dipper to join him for breakfast food because he was abandoned by his friends. He just wants som company.One Shakespearian level misunderstanding later Dipper's in deep with a very angry "family".





	1. If You Go Out You Might Pass Out In A Drain Pipe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Senator-Sprinkles](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Senator-Sprinkles).



> be careful if you're an Uber driver, you never know who's in your back seat.

 

 

  
Dipper drained the last of the sharp tasting drink from it’s still cold can. One more fare and then back to the club to pick up Mabel and then home. Sweet, blessed home. Thinking about his bed and blankets made his heart skip a beat. Not even New Years Eve could make him miss his bed any less.

  
His phone dinged and Dipper hardly looked as he accepted the ride request a block away.

  
With the shift of a gear he pulled out of the gas station parking lot and onto the road towards one of the many clubs on the long street. Saturday nights always promised good money and interesting rides. Saturday nights on a holiday promised even better money and even stranger rides.

  
He averaged a good three times per night that he swore he would quit. Tonight he had blown through two of those times. Why had he signed up to be an Uber driver to begin with?

  
Wait.

  
The money.

  
And he wanted that pack of recycled parchment from the paper shop up the street from his house. It was going to be the best book he’d ever bound. The best.

  
Still fantasizing about the paper and trying to decide what he would press into the leather cover Dipper pulled up to the curb of the ostentatious club. He didn’t have to look for his passenger because immediately the car door was pulled open and a man spilled into the back seat.

  
“My hero!” The man giggled.

  
Oh god, another drunk mess.

  
Dipper looked longingly at his empty Red Bull can. Why hand’t he gotten two?

  
To be fair no amount of caffeine would make dealing with drunks any easier.

  
“Are you okay?” Dipper asked as he watched the man struggle to sit up.

  
“Yeah, yeah,” The man let out a little laugh as he slumped against the seat. “I’ve got this, I’ve got this.”

  
“Just uh,” Dipper looked him over. The man was nothing short of beautiful. Tousled golden hair fell into bright blue eyes. His crooked smile was almost contagious. And he was covered in glitter. Glitter that would never come out of the upholstery. “Just buckle up.”

  
“Right, right, I’ve got it.” The man said as he pulled the seat belt across his body. “Safety first.”

  
Dipper nodded. “That’s right. Safety first.”

  
He looked down at the app. The man had booked his destination as a Waffle House.  
Four states away.

  
“Um…” He looked back at his passenger toying with a button on his white dress shirt. How do you tell a heavily intoxicated customer no?

  
“Oh!” The man perked up with a big smile. “Happy New Year!”

  
“Uh, yeah, Happy New Year to you too. But that’s not,” Dipper turned in his seat to look at him. “This destination is ten hours away. Is this a mistake?”

  
“No.” The man’s face fell. “Isn’t it Waffle House?”

  
“Well yeah but I mean, ten hours is…”

  
“I just-“ The man looked so disappointed. “I just wanted waffles.”

  
“How’s IHOP?” Dipper offered, not prepared to deal with a grown ass drunk man crying in the back seat of his car.

  
“Pancakes?” The man sat and considered a moment, hyper focusing on his button. “I like pancakes.”

  
“IHOP it is then.” Dipper turned back around and pulled back onto the street. Thank god, there was an IHOP ten minutes away. Easy fix. Relief flooded through him.

  
Wait.

  
That’s probably the Red Bull.

  
“What’s your name?” The man leaned forward, an arm thrown around the passenger’s seat.  
“I’m Dipper Pines.” Dipper answered, glancing at the man’s face getting steadily closer to his own.

  
“Bill Cipher. I should probably introduce myself.” The man said and held out a hand.

  
“Sorry, uh, driving.” Dipper said to excuse himself from having to touch a stranger’s hand. Just…

  
Gross.

  
“Right, right, right, safety first.” Bill said and flopped back into his seat. “Oh my god I’m so hungry.”

  
“Mm hmm.” Dipper agreed as he made a turn, thankful that the traffic had died down from earlier.

  
“I haven’t eaten since eight.” The man went on. “We had a lot of pasta and I thought that would hold me for the night but Eight Ball kept handing me shots and now I’m really really really hungry.”

  
Eight Ball?

  
What kind of name is Eight Ball?

  
Dipper almost swerved- oh my god is this guy in a biker gang?

  
Eight Ball sounds like a biker name.

  
“And Pyronica wanted to go to another bar but I told her I was hungry and she told me to order food at the club but they don't serve food and the pizza place doesn’t deliver to bars or clubs.”

  
As much as Dipper didn't usually care about his customers he couldn’t help but think it was sad that Bill’s friends wouldn’t take him to get food. Especially when he was obviously wasted.

  
“I even asked nicely and they still wouldn’t do it.” Bill sighed. When Dipper glanced into the rear view mirror Bill looked like a sad toddler, unsure of what he had done wrong.

  
“We’re going to get you some food now, okay?” Dipper offered, hoping that Bill wouldn’t cry.  
“You’re my actual hero, Dipper.” Bill said, staring out the car window.

  
The way he said it was kind of cute, Dipper decided. At least Bill was a nice drunk. Not only that but the IHOP was right there. Easy passenger. Not too big of a fare but still something, Dipper thought as he pulled into the parking lot.

  
“And here we go.” Dipper said. He pulled up close to the door but Bill didn’t move to get out.

  
“Will you come with me?” Bill asked as he looked at Dipper with hopeful eyes.

  
“What?” He said it before he could stop himself. It was rude but still… What?

  
“Will you come eat with me?” Bill asked again, leaning forward into Dipper’s face. “Please? I don’t want to eat alone.”

  
Dipper looked at the door then at Bill.

  
“I’m sorry, I need to go pick up my sister-“

  
“I’ll pay you!” Bill said, reaching into his coat pocket.

  
“You don’t have to do that,” Dipper felt bad for refusing. Bill was obviously ignored by his friends all night and had to leave them just to get something to eat. And on a holiday too.

  
“No, no, no,” Bill insisted, taking out a wad of crumpled bills from his pocket. “I’ll pay for your food and I’ll tip you for sitting with me.”

  
Dipper looked down at the cash, wondering if Bill would have enough after a night of partying. Wondering if he would have to pay instead.

  
“I’m fine, like I said, I need to pick up my sister.” Dipper repeated.

  
Bill held up a rumbled hundred dollar bill. “I’ll tip you for it. Please? Just a little while.”

  
Dipper looked between Bill’s pleading blue eyes and the money. It could buy the pack of parchment paper.

  
“Just for a little while.” Bill promised.

  
When Dipper looked down at the rest of the cash in Bill’s hand he saw that it was more of the same. He stared wide eyed at the man holding roughly a thousand dollars sitting in the back seat of his Uber car- why?

  
“Here.” Bill pulled a second hundred like it was nothing and pressed both into Dipper’s hand. “Come on and we’ll get coffee and pancakes. It’ll be great.”

  
Dipper stared at the money in his hand a minute before pulling into a parking space.


	2. This Night Is Heating Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Communication is key

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something like this happened to me once.

 

 

 

  
“So…” Dipper’s voice trailed off as he sat across from Bill. He wanted to make polite conversation but couldn’t think of a single thing that wasn’t rude.

  
Where did you get all that cash?

Why are you carrying that cash in your pocket?

Why are your friends assholes?

Dipper settled on, “Aside from being hungry, are you having a good night?”

“Oh yeah!” Bill said around a mouth full of pancake. He held up a finger to ask for a moment while he downed a whole glass of milk.

Dipper waited.

“Yeah, it’s been a great night. This year is looking like my year. Business is booming, everything is running like a well oiled machine, it’s been great since November.” Bill listed off as he poured more syrup into his plate. 

“So do you own a business?” That explained the cash.

“Yeah, took it over from a buddy of mine but I’ve fixed it up so much better than it was. Took me a little over a year but it’s perfect now.” Bill radiated pride.

“That’s pretty cool.” Dipper said. Bill was seeming less tragic than he had at first. Dipper was thankful that he wouldn’t be dealing with a sad drunk stranger in an IHOP. Of all places.

Trap music began to play when Bill’s phone rang. When he looked at the screen he groaned and let it ring out. When the call went to voicemail Dipper glimpsed a notification on the screen saying nine new text messages before it went black. Bill’s friends seemed to have noticed he had left.

“This is why I never go out with them.” Bill said as he skewered a strawberry garnish on his fork and ate it leaves and all.

“They blow up your phone?” Dipper asked.

“They get me wasted and then keep going and going and don’t pay any attention to when I want to leave. They get caught up and forget everything that isn’t alcohol.” Bill explained.

Dipper gave a chuckle. “I get that. My sister does that. Not the drinking but just the party stuff in general. She wanted me to go with her tonight but I’d rather work and avoid the crowds.”

“You’re my kind of man, Dipper Pines.” Bill said before sipping his coffee.

Dipper shrugged. “I tried the party scene. It wasn’t for me. I like parties but not like… Professional parties.”

Bill choked on his pancake and snorted a laugh. “Professional parties…”

“What? You can’t tell me there’s not like an elitist culture there.” Dipper defended.

“No! That's exactly what it is.” Bill agreed. “It all revolves around pissing contests and debauchery. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a hedonistic bastard but I don’t go out to hunt down that culture. I love a good one night stand, you know? If it feels good, tastes good, it’s gotta be mine but I don't go looking for it in that scene. Most of the time I’m working.”

Before Dipper could ask what Bill did the phone rang again. When Bill checked it he groaned again.

“Will you answer this?” Bill held out the phone to Dipper.

“What do I say?” Dipper wasn’t unaccustomed to being a mediator. He’d run off more than one guy on Mabel’s behalf. 

“Just tell her I’m not coming back. My plans changed. Something like that. She’s killing my battery.” Bill said as he went back to his pancakes. 

“Cool.” Dipper took a deep breath, put on his Big Kid Voice and answered the phone. “Hello?”

“Bill!” the woman on the phone sounded a mix of relieved and angry. Must be a girlfriend. Dipper could hardly hear her over the thudding music in the background. Jesus, was she calling from the middle of the dance floor?

“No, this is his driver.” Dipper replied. “Bill’s done for the night.”

Cold silence while the music played. “Who the fuck is this?”

“I’m just his driver. Bill’s plans have changed for the night. He’d rather go home.” Dipper answered.

“You sound like you work on a customer service hotline.” Bill said with an amused smile.

“Where is he now?” The girl demanded.

“He’s on his way home.” Dipper said.

“Bring him back now.” It sounded like a threat.

“I’m sorry but I can’t do that.” Dipper said. Keep the answers short and sweet. Usually people just gave up but this girl seemed to be the rare case that wanted to argue. Luckily it was easy to say no to someone that he’d never met.

“Do I need to come find you?” She made it sound like Dipper was an idiot. “Do I need to come get him myself? Because that can happen.”

Dipper looked at Bill who must have guessed what was being said. He shook his head.

“I’m sorry but Bill just wants to be left alone. You can try back tomorrow.” God he did sound like he was on a customer service hotline.

“Boy.” Dipper felt a hint of fear run down his spine. “Listen to me. If Bill isn’t brought back here in a half hour you will make an equal payment. Do you understand?”

“No?” What the hell was this lady on about? 

“Don’t worry, you’ll get it.” Dipper looked across the table at Bill. “Bring him back to Purgatory in a half hour.”

Dipper looked down at the phone when she hung up.

“Was she mad?” Bill asked.

“She said I would make an equal payment. Whatever that means.” Dipper said as he passed the phone back.

Bill rolled his eyes. “What the hell is she going to do to an Uber driver?”

Dipper didn’t really want to find out, the lady sounded like the type to key her name into his car. He pushed his cup away. The call had put him off his coffee.

“Ready to go home?” Dipper asked with a nice smile. Time to end this weirdness.

“I guess.” Bill said as he finished the last of his pancakes. 

Eight pancakes, four eggs, two glasses of milk and Dipper was sure to pick up a water to go before ushering the sobering man back to the car. Bill paid with another hundred passed off to the cashier without waiting for change.

This time Bill sat in the front.

“Your girlfriend is pretty worried. Are you sure you don’t want to call her back?” The weirdly threatening exchange was weighing on him.

“That is most definitely not my girlfriend.” Bill said as he poked in the bubbles on the cup lid. “Pyronica works for me.”

“She’s certainly persistent.” Dipper said as he started the car.

“She’s a good kid.” Bill said as he buckled his seat belt.

“Do you have your home address?” Dipper asked and sat ready with his phone GPS. 

“Yeah, I’ll punch it in for you.” 

Dipper handed the over and Bill typed in his address. A half hour away… But he had just given Dipper two hundred dollars. It was worth it. Especially now that Bill seemed to be getting sleepy. Dipper texted Mabel that he would be later than expected after Bill returned the phone.

“You’re like a few miles from my college campus.” Dipper said to try to separate them from the phone call.

“Small world.” Bill returned as he settled into his seat and clicked on his seat belt.

 

 


	3. Ain't No Mercy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody's going to help you  
> You've just gotta stand up alone  
> Dig in your heels and see how it feels  
> To raise a little hell of your own

“I-I mean…” Dipper was having a hard time trying to find his voice.

Bill leaned across the center console of the car, scrap of paper in his hand. “It’s just a number, babe.”

“I mean it's just that you’re a customer and I’m pretty sure-“

Dipper’s hands shook as Bill so gently pressed the scrap of paper into his hand. “Use it if you want, I’d really like to talk to you again.”

He’d woken up like this. After pulling in to the upscale apartment complex Dipper had nudged Bill awake. Something was different about him. Food and water in his system and twenty minutes of sleep, Bill was sobering up.. Somewhat. Dipper wasn’t sure he was okay with how his passenger had changed. 

“I thought you said you’re a one night stand kind of guy.” Dipper said with a nervous laugh.

“I said I like a good one night stand.” Bill held up a finger to correct him. “For a good kid like you I think I can manage a little more.”

“Are you asking me on a date?” Dipper’s face went bright red. He wondered if Bill was going to kiss him.

“Something like that.” Bill’s voice was getting progressively lower. “I’d bring you up tonight but you’ve got your sister to fetch.”

Wow. He remembered.

 

“Yeah, Mabel’s probably tired.” Dipper nodded.

“I’m probably not your style, I know,” Bill said. “But just think about it.”

Dipper nodded, wishing he could respond to that.

“Go charge your phone.” Was all he could manage.

“You got it.” Bill said with a sigh.

When he got out the car felt too empty. Dipper leaned across the seat to look up at him.

“You gonna make it up okay?”

“I’m not that bad off.” Bill ran a hand through his messed golden hair.

Dipper wondered why he felt even the slightest bit worried about this man. Pity, maybe?

Probably because their brands of loneliness fit together.

“Text me to see if I made it up okay.” Bill leaned down to hold Dipper in an unblinking gaze. “Once my phone’s on I promise I’ll answer.”

Dipper only nodded and Bill closed the door. When Bill walked through the front gate of the complex Dipper just watched him go.

“And as mysteriously as he appeared, he vanished.” Dipper said to himself as he punched in the address to the club Mabel had set her heart on for the night. Still thirty minutes. Traffic is such a bitch.

He looked down at the little paper in his hand. Bill had torn a receipt in half to write it down. The logo of the bar it had come from showed on the other side. Bill’s friends must have been career partiers to start in Hell and go to Purgatory. Mabel would kill to go to the sister club Heaven. Dipper put the scrap of paper into the overhead visor.

Thank God she stuck to TKO, Dipper thought as he pulled back on to the street.

 

 

The phone rang and rang and rang. This was the second call to go to voicemail. Mabel rarely missed a call. Dipper didn’t want to have to pay cover to go into the club to get her so he ended the call and decided to text.

She’d sent him three messages since he’d left Bill’s place.

“Please don’t be at another club,” He whined as he opened the text app.

The first was a picture of Mabel and a girl with violently pink hair. The second read, “I made a new friend!”

“Just one? Mabel you’re losing your touch.” Dipper mumbled to himself.

“Her name is Pyronica.” Said the third. 

Dipper had never dialed a call so fast in his life.

“Please, please, please!” He begged into the receiver. One more try, one more try.

Every question coming to mind made it harder and harder to breathe.

How had this happened so fast?

How had she found out who he was?

How had she found Mabel?

How had she known where Mabel was?

How many other people were in on this?

“Hello?”

“Mabel!” Dipper felt relief flood through his body. The tension in his shoulders released and he relaxed into his car seat. “Mabel I’m outside, come on.”

“Outside wher-OH! I see you, bro bro!”

Dipper leaned down to look at the people milling around the sidewalk. “Where are you?”

“Other side!” Mabel giggled.

Dipper turned to his left and saw Mabel smiling at him from the passenger seat of a purple Lamborghini. She waved and he rolled down his car window.

“Mabel, what the hell?” Dipper had to keep himself from shouting. She didn’t know, she couldn’t know. He couldn’t make her panic. She had to get out of the Lamborghini. It took all his focus to keep his voice from shaking. “Mabel come get in the car, we need to go home.”

“Lighten up, Dipper! It’s New Year’s!” Mabel giggled, drunk on holiday cheer and a flashy new friend. “Pyronica is taking me to another club!”

“Hey there, ‘bro bro’.” The girl with the violently pink hair leaned around Mabel to get a look at him. Pyronica gave him a chillingly playful smile. “You wanna come with us? Raise a little hell of our own?"

“Mabel,” Dipper wasn’t sure what to say or do. What could he do? All he knew was that he had to get her out of the car. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, wondering what the hell they wanted with her, what the fuck they were going to do to her, what the fuck they wanted from him! Head swimming all he could do was look at his sister so close he could reach out for her hand but he had never felt so far away.

“Why don’t you bring a friend and come meet us.” Pyronica offered as though it was a fun invitation. Like it was nothing at all. 

Like she hadn’t told Dipper he would pay some price.

“Dipper doesn’t like bars and clubs.” Mabel said with a smile. 

“Maybe he’ll decide to join us.” Pyronica said with a shrug.

“Mabel, we should just go home.” He tried one more time. 

If Mabel tried to get out of the car, would Pyronica pull her back in?

“I’ll give her a ride home, bro bro.” Pyronica said as she revved the engine. “When she’s ready.”

“Don’t wait up!” Mabel waved at him and gave a happy shout when the car took off.

Dipper watched the car pull away carrying his innocent sister into a den of fucking heathens. No club name, no address, no fucking idea of what the fuck he had done wrong or who these fucking monsters were.

Just gone with his sister into the night. 

Dipper almost ripped the visor off the roof of his car to get to the phone number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shameless music references


	4. The Kids Aren't Alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When it rains it pours

The call went straight to Bill’s voicemail.

Dipper sat staring at the steering wheel, not sure at all of what to do.

 

Go back and try to find Bill’s apartment?

Try to figure out which club Pyronica had taken Mabel?

If Pyronica had taken Mabel to a club.

Dipper rubbed the bridge of his nose. He could call the police. What would he even tell them? His sister was kidnapped on New Year’s Day. She had gotten into a purple fucking Lamborghini and driven away. Striking enough car, easy to find. When they found the car, would Mabel still be inside? Would she still be having fun?

If Pyronica was continuing as smooth as she had been, and the police came across Mabel having fun, they wouldn’t answer another call about it.

Not until something happened that couldn’t be undone.

And all this because, what? He had answered a call for Bill. Pyronica had misunderstood, now she had his sister. Mabel was his equal price to pay.

Pyronica thought he had taken Bill.

Now she had seen into the car, Bill was obviously not there.

If she was holding to the belief that he had taken Bill, she must be wondering what Dipper had done with Bill.

Dipper stared blankly at the car in front of his. Someone behind him honked, wanting him to move and make room for others to use the curb. He hardly heard them. His mind stopped working and he felt hollow and sick.

He didn’t have Bill.

They had seen him without Bill.

Mabel was dead.

A loud rumbling startled him out of his trance. Dipper turned and saw a giant scowling man leaning into his window.

“Dipper Pines, huh?”

Dipper found it in himself to recoil away from the huge man with tattoos up and down his neck and arms, silver rings on his fingers sitting on a thundering bike.

When he didn’t answer the man went on. “We don’t know who you know, who you work for, but that doesn’t really matter right now. You need to bring Bill to us.”

“Wha-“

“We sent an address to his phone. You go get him, you unlock that phone, you bring him to us, your sister goes home with you.” The man cut him off.

“His phone is dead!” Dipper tried to defend.

“Charge it up.” The man shrugged.

“He’s at his house right now, it is charging! This is all a misunderstanding, Mabel didn’t do anything to you-“ Dipper wanted to hit the steering wheel. “You’re a bunch of crazy people! I gave him a ride home, that’s all!”

The man raised a hand to silence him. Dipper bit his tongue.

“I don’t care if you say you took Bill to the fucking moon. If it’s just a misunderstanding then just bring him back.” The man held him in a burden of a gaze. When Dipper only gaped at him the man asked, “Is going to get him a problem for you?”

Dipper shook his head.

“So there’s no reason you can’t go get him?”

Dipper shook his head.

“Good boy.” The man revved the bike. “We’ll see you in a bit, yeah?”

Dipper stared at him, feeling nothing but cold dread. The man didn’t wait, only drove off after the Lamborghini.


End file.
